1-17-11 Thomas Patrick Moore Sr

Today is the 6th year anniversary of my brother's death. I received the phone call in the early morning. I was in Arizona visiting my friend Kay. I was on a futon. The room had been sanded and painted brick red. There was a computer and book shelves in the room as well. Apparently my mother had been calling and calling me but I had taken a sleeping pill the night before so I was out.

Finally Kay came in and had her cordless house phone with her. I got on the phone and heard the dreaded news. Groggy and half asleep I yelled 'NO'. I wanted to hang up the phone and go back to sleep but that wasn't an option. Kurt came in and I realized it was real because of the compassion and pain in his eyes. He knew I wasn't OK. My mom put Kay on the job of keeping an eye on me and getting me home. And she did.

We left that evening. Since I am not good at this kind of thing so I started to drink heavily and by the time I got on the plane and sat down everyone knew my brother had died. I was yelping and gagging and I could barely walk. The flight attendant took Kay's word that if she kept the whiskey coming Kay would keep me under control. We flew into Newark airport in Jersey, where I will never go again, picked up the rental truck and headed to Long Beach.

That's when it all became real. When I looked into his son's and mother's eyes I saw nothing. It was as if they were dead too. I stood up straight and took my role as caregiver. Kay helped a lot! All my friends did. TR and Andrea took care of all the details since they are morticians. They buried my father too. People brought food and hugs and cards. Family that had all but disappeared had resurfaced while some stayed hidden. I didn't care. All I could do was look in those boys eyes and think of how they have to grow up without him. They won't learn the things he knew and they won't ever get an explanation or an apology for his short comings.

I think he knew. They say people generally know when they're gonna die. Even the young ones. I know now he's at peace and forgives me for all the harsh words I said over the years and all the times I threw him out, even on Christmas. I know he realizes I was always just trying to protect his kids. That's all I've ever wanted to do.